Setting Goals with your kids

As another school year begins, it’s important to help your child understand what they hope to accomplish through the form of goals. If your teen is anything like me when I was their age, I had zero interest in creating any kind of goals. The reason for not having goals was simple; no goals meant no failures! Obviously, this is not a great way to approach life. 

So how do you help your teen create goals? 

1. Start with self awareness. You can’t figure out where you need to go if you don’t know where you are. 
2. Their goals should be realistic. 
3. Their goals should come from them or be collaborative. This isn’t a list of goals for what YOU want. This is their own goals for what they want. 
4. Create a long term reward and then encourage along the way. Yes, you can reward your child with money for making all A’s. However, I’d encourage some more creative rewards. 

The main point to all of this is that you are helping your teen think about a particular timeframe and desired outcome. 

The reason thinking about a timeframe and desired outcome is important is because it helps the teen to realize their actions have a direct affect on the outcome. ACTIONS = CONSEQUENCES. This is a basic principle for us as adults whereby we take responsibility for our failures. Or at least I hope so!

I often will process with a teen what they wanted, what they expected, and what actions they took that either helped them or hurt their chances of achieving their goal. 

Do you have any creative rewards for your teen when they accomplish a goal?

Isolation and Boredom

What happened to boredom?

Okay I’m not all that old. I’m 32. I was born in 1985 which makes me still fairly young in terms of technology and the age of childhood boredom. When I was bored as a kid I had to either create, imagine, read, or go outside and do whatever it is we used to do outside. Which often times, was be bored outside. Or be bored with the neighborhood kids. 

Don’t get me wrong. I played a lot of video games growing up. I would usually play them with friends, switching off trying to get past a certain level. And legitimately, we could play them for a very, very, long time. But after a certain point I would always hit a wall and want something different. Or, often times Mom or Dad would make me quit playing. 

Boredom in the age of personal technology is very different; it doesn’t really exist. There are currently 819,417,600 hours of video on youtube. 819,417,600 hours equals 34,142,400 days. 34,142,400 days equals 93,540 years. On top of that, 300 hours of video are uploaded to YouTube every minute. I’m not so good at Math, so I’m going to stop there and just assume that you get the picture. Lots of videos + bored teens isolating = zombie teens watching video game walkthroughs of other people playing video games at 2am. I will never understand watching someone else playing video games either. Maybe I actually am old. 

Anyway, my point is that boredom used to be difficult. It used to be BORING. It used to be an indication that you were lacking something. It meant that not having a plan, a goal, a project, or a person to hang out with was very unsatisfying and unstimulating. Which would then provoke some kind of action or at the very least, a feeling. I like to think that feelings, or emotions are like a compass which gives us an indication of how we are doing. 

What kind of feeling does boredom most closely resemble? Any guesses? Sadness. Boredom, for many is the precursor to sadness. Be bored long enough and you will feel sad. 

Alright, so if boredom is the precursor to sadness, then does that sadness get quenched by watching YouTube reviews of the Top Ten Plastic Chairs of all time? Well, yes and no, weirdly enough. Because the Top Ten Plastic Chairs of All Time is surprisingly entertaining, it does fulfill an immediate need to fill the temporary void of boredom. HOWEVA - “Temporary" is the key component in that sentence. And that temporary fill is without much actual human/relational/soul nutrition.  

Think of soul nutrition as akin to body nutrition. Technically, you could eat only crackers for days on end. You could eat them in the morning until you were full, you could eat them at night. You could eat Saltines when you feel sick and it would work out perfectly! Eventually though, you would probably get some kind of Oregon Trail-type disease we don’t get anymore.

To nourish your soul you'll need a whole range of emotional, spiritual, and relational stimulation. Such as joy, friendship, sadness, frustration, solitude, fear, overcoming fear, vulnerability, rejection, acceptance, challenge, friendship,  love, romance, boredom, just to name a few! 

Isolation - Part 1

One of the most common issues I see with teens and young adults is isolation. Sometimes isolation is simply the answer to how a person protects themselves from social rejection. For others, isolation is introversion without boundaries. People isolate to protect themselves from the rejection, pain, or trauma of others or to feel comfortable. No matter what the reason, the common thought is that isolation is never viewed as "isolation" by the person who is alone. 

Don't get me wrong; isolation is NOT needing to take a break from people, needing alone time, or having a desire for peace and relaxation. On the contrary, a balance of interaction and alone time is good for people. Isolation IS when there is a persistent pattern of withdrawal from human interaction and the building of relationships. 

For those who are consistently avoiding relationships and social interaction, they see their own isolation as just "who they are". And for introverts, this line can be blurry and take time to figure out. Most teenage guys who are isolating themselves are either A) playing video games or B) watching TV. Both of which aren't inherently "bad". The problem is that an activity like a video game is a distraction and also a great way to numb out any pain. The same goes for television, youtube, or most other media. In other words, they help the person detach from their own world. I won't tell you how much is too much or make a judgement call on that. I think the line is different for different people and different times of life. 

I'm not saying that the solution is to rid the world of video games or television. But for kids who struggle socially, the first step is for YOU (Mom or Dad) to help regulate media in a way that approaches a balance in their lives. 

"But maybe my kid is just an introvert. Shouldn't I accept him for who he is?" Yes, accept him for who he is. But if you're reading this then it likely means your kid is also unhappy in some capacity or struggling with self-esteem and isolation.

There's a very important concept in the world of dialectical therapy which is that you can accept yourself and love yourself for who you are AND also push yourself to change. It's not either/or. It's BOTH/AND. I accept myself, flaws and all AND will continue to push myself to change and be a better Husband, Father, Leader, Therapist, etc.

So, accept your child, flaws and all for who they are AND help them find ways to grow and change.