For many parents, having “talks” about problems with their kids almost always end in a fight and often time the child ends up missing the whole point. I’ve listed below a few ways to make your talks more effective.
1. Stay focused on the main thing
Let’s say you find out your high school student has received some negative feedback from a teacher in their math class. There have been other issues going on as well before this including irresponsible money spending, isolation issues and them fighting with you. When it’s time to have the “talk” about this feedback from the teacher, it is important not to bring in everything else that is frustrating you about their behavior. Obviously, you see that there are other issues going on and the temptation is to say “get it together” in regards to ALL of it.
The problem is that when we as parents bring in other grievances to the conversation, the child is likely to feel overwhelmed and attacked and then shut down. Are the other issues legitimate? Sure but that doesn’t mean we bring them all to the table at once.
2. Empathize and validate
This next part will require some serious listening skills and will require you to be calm. Are you mad? If so, go talk it out and get calm. If you can’t get calm, how will you help them stay calm? In order to empathize you will need to ask, not demand, about the feedback your child has received. My suggestion would be to take some time and go on a drive (your child cant escape while you’re driving) and pick up some food, ice cream, etc. Empathizing means understanding what they must be feeling - however, you need to give them the opportunity to explain that even if you already think you know.
Validating means assuring them that the way they are feeling is understandable and makes sense. “I would feel that way too if…” “That’s understandable since you said….” “I think what you’re saying is…. and that makes sense to me”.
3. Know your role
Your role in this discussion is to listen, stay calm, and provide either comfort, grace or encouragement. Your child may try to steer the conversation to blame “the teacher is terrible” “you never leave me alone so how could I study” “well you’re the one who…”. This is an attempt to deflect from taking responsibility. The temptation for parents will be to get mad and turn the guilt factor up or bulldoze the argument. But what your child needs from you is to stay calm and redirect back to the facts.
The most important takeaway - stay calm and stay focused